Emotions Are Tricky

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
-Philippians 4:6-7

Since last night was Friday night, S rented some movies and we made pizzas. A typical Friday night. After the kids were in bed, S and I watched another movie. Within the first 15 minutes of the movie, a girl is rushed to the hospital with a placental abruption. At the hospital, they check the baby and the heart rate is down in the 60's so they perform an emergency c-section. I was fine with this until they showed the baby, covered in her mother's blood, barely breathing. The baby survived; the mother did not.

And that's when I lost it. S grabbed my hand and I just sat there, trying to watch the movie but replaying my own dire situation over and over in my head, knowing that my outcome could have been very much the same.

I was in a state of blissful ignorance that warm May night, having been put under to perform the c-section. I didn't see H when he first came out, which is just fine by me. I'm very glad I didn't because I probably would have gone into shock. H wasn't breathing when he came out and had to have a tube inserted to help him breathe for the first 2 days of his life.

As I watched the rest of the movie (where they try to find this girl's family so the baby can be taken care of), I realized how truly blessed I am. I could have easily been taken home that night, leaving S with 3 babies to care for, not to mention a house and a full-time job. H may not have made it either.

However, that's not what God had planned for us. He chose to keep us here, to be able to tell the story of His infinite grace, peace, and comfort. I know the Holy Spirit is what kept me going through the ordeal. I felt such peace, knowing that everything was going to be all right. I didn't know how bad the situation was at the time, and I don't believe I can ever fully grasp how close both of us were to death. I can only say that the peace that surpasses all understanding did, indeed, guard my heart that night.